Happy Anniversary or Not?

Seven years ago I stood in front of a judge staring in my future husband's eyes reciting martial vows. I thought that day 09/27/2005 marked the beginning on my new life.

Well that was seven years ago and now I'm waiting on the judge to sign my divorce papers. Usually I get a phone call or text wishing me a Happy Anniversary, but not today. I'm feeling indifferent about it only because I would like to hear those words. I think...... I don't even know what I even want.   I'm actually fighting the urge to make the phone call. If I do then I seem vulnerable, & if I don't then it doesn't matter to him anyway.

I think that I just miss my friend.  My ex husband and I were friends before we were lovers. It took us at least 3 years before we even had sex.  We could talk about anything, and I miss my friend.  We can't be friends because I am nowhere near that mentally.  I just couldn't handle it right now.  Just thoughts of him and other women make me nauseous. Maybe one day we will get there but right now, no. 

The real question is when will I stop referring to 09/27 as my anniversary. Now its just another day. If anybody say that divorce is easy, they are lying.  Divorce is hard.  Starting over is hard. 

Life, What Can I Say

It has been such a long time since I last blogged.  Life has just gotten in the way.
The last time I was on here I was talking about how I didn't want to sign my divorce papers, but I did.  It was one of the hardest things that I had to do, but I can't make someone do something that they don't want to do.  It just hurts to know that the person that was suppose to be your forever is no longer your forever.  *Tear*  I'm still a little sad about it.  I just take one day at a time. 

My mom was diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer.  I know that she is going to be okay.  Anytime you have to go under and doctors have to cut you, its serious.  I am actually at the hospital right now, they just took her back to perform the surgery. 

I have been working my ass off.  I don't feel like its appreciated but I thank God for my job and my check looks nice.  I need to go on a spending diet.  My bank account is upset with me right about now.

I have been going to boot camp for like the last month or so.  I LOVE IT!!!!!! It takes all the stress away and its a nice ending to a long work day. For that one hour all of those thoughts that race through my mind on a daily is gone. 

I just gave everyone a quick update on whats been going on in my life.  Its nothing much but its my life.  Its just me taking one day at a time, trying to manage. 

Don't worry, I will be back soon.

Random Thoughts

My mind is so full of random thoughts that are constantly squirming around.  Why can't I just accept the things that I cannot.  I am constantly searching for answers, when I need to just let things be.  When will my heart and my mind agree or will they ever agree.

These are the questions/thoughts that woke me up this morning at 4:00.

•  wonder if he is off work yet?
• Why can't I let this go?
• Should I send him a text, it is his birthday.
• Jo, just sign the papers.
• It sucks being on probation.
• I so want to get in my car and go.
• I hope my probation officer/judge let me change companies
• I'm not the same person anymore.  Is that a good thing or bad thing.
• You are holding on to something that will never be. Give up...
• Don't forget to do the rebate for the contacts.

These thoughts/questions/concerns kept me up from 4:00 - 6:00 AM.  Every night its something different but I have been averaging only about 5 hours of sleep for a good minute. Which is not good. My body stays tired.

On another note which is not quite related to this topic. Well it is in a way.  I find it so interesting that people are so quick to say what they would do if they were to find themselves in a certain situation.  You can voice your opinion all you want,everyone is entitled to their own, but you don't know what you would do if  you were faced with a certain situation.  Or what about these people who try to give you advice or some type of wisdom. Ummm.... ma'am, I just told you that last week and now you trying to tell me the same thing.  You want me to listen to you say it but when I said it to you, you completely cut me off. Oh, okay.  That's how we do things now.

SMH.... I gotta go...

Birthday Weekend

Well, yesterday on July 10,  I turned 32 years old.  WOW!!!!!  I thanked God for allowing me to see another year.  I am truly thankful that I am able to wake up every morning.

I  wasn't really feeling like much of a celebration this year.  Like I wanted to do something but I couldn't think of anything to do.  My nephew told me that maybe that's a sign for me not to do anything at all.  I did  a little something though.

Before I left work on Friday a coworker was nice of enough to give me a balloon and card.  It was a nice surprise and I was full of smiles.

On Friday night, I went out with my sisters.  It was OK.  I just saw everything in a different light. We went to the place we normally go too, but usually, I am drinking like a fish and enjoy myself.  On Friday though it was different, it felt different.  I have been there before without having a drink and enjoyed myself, but the reasoning behind me not having a drink was usually because of antibiotics or I was trying to loose weight.  This time I didn't drink was because I can't drink.  Anyway the DJ was jamming and I got my dance on.  It just doesn't feel right dancing without a little alcohol in my system.  I feel like everybody watching me.  ( I know how crazy that sounds)

Me on Friday Night

On Saturday I worked in the morning and then I got to spend the rest of the day with one of my favorite people in the world.  I really enjoyed myself. We went shopping at Ikea and Target.  Then had a quick bite to eat at ChaChos.  We had a nice talk as always and the conversation got me to think about a lot of different things.

On Sunday, I did absolutely nothing.  I was such a bum.  I had plans to do stuff, but my body wouldn't allow me to do anything. 

I took Monday and Tuesday off from work.  On Monday, I did everything that I was suppose to do on Sunday.

I still haven't picked up my contacts from the eye doctor.  I also started to work on my vision board. 

Tuesday was the big day.  I had a real laid back kind of day.  I got so many birthday wishes.  :-)

My friend Tim took me to lunch at the Olive Garden.  It was soooo good.  I haven't had pasta in like forever.

Then my favorite sister (hey chick ) picked me up and we went to have dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. Two Really Good Friends were able to make it out as well.  It was cool. Lots of girl talk and laughter.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.  I was happy.



Me



I chose the Red Velvet Cheesecake as my dessert and the waiter also gave me a birthday sundae, with flowers made out of strawberries. 





Oh I almost forgot to show off what I bought myself for my bday. I had been keeping my eye on this purse from Express, and every time I went to buy it online it was sold out. I was finally able to order it on July 3 and it came on my birthday.  So Happy Birthday to me.  :-)



My Weekend

My weekend was wonderful.  Even though I am tired as hell, it was worth all of it.

On Saturday, my social group F.I.R.E. and myself fed the families at the Ronald McDonald House. It is such a good feeling to take time out and give back.  We all think that we got it bad but it could be worst.  We made the families breakfast which consisted of bacon, sausage, eggs, hashbrown casserole, biscuits, fresh fruit, muffins, orange juice,and water.  We are already planning for our return next year.

After breakfast, my friends and myself hosted a baby shower for my BFF.  It was lovely.  She was happy. The shower was such a success both parents were happy, the guests enjoyed themselves, and I was just happy to be involved.  It was a gender reveal shower so we all found out what the sex of the baby was. It is a GIRL!!!!! I could have swonrn it was a boy.  I felt in my bones, but we all wrong sometimes.   I am estactic that she is having a girl.  Another reason to go shopping.


All in all this weekend was a good one.

Pray For Me.....

All I want to do today is listen to Anthony Hamilton's soulful voice.  His songs just soothe my soul.  Here are a couple of my faves. Enjoy.

LifeClass

Yesterday while at work, I listened to a couple of Oprah's LifeClass shows.  Oprah quoted Iylana Vanzant in the show about Forgiveness. 

Iylana says, " Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can try to bandage your wound with food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or work but eventually it will stain your life and you will continue to bleed."

This quote sat with me the whole day. Have I forgiven myself for the things I have done in regards to my marriage and the lose of my job, or have I even forgiven Mister (my husband) for not trying to save our marriage?  Am I living behind my story? These are the thoughts that are invading my mind at this time.  I have prayed on it and let it go.  Oprah interviewed 50 Cents the other night and he said,"  You can either pray on it or worry about it, but you can't do both."  I am the first to admit that I would pray on it and continue to worry about it.  Now I'm just praying about it.

On another note I have yet to sign the divorce papers.  I am struggling with if I should pursue going to court to spilt his retirement account.  At this point in time I just want to be through with him. He doesn't believe that marriage is 50/50.  I tried to tell him that everything he earned I have a legal right to, but he disagrees.  If I contest the divorce and take him to court, I could waste money, what if there isn't even enough in the retirement fund to spilt.  He wouldn't learn a lesson, his feeling will never change, what he earned is his and not mine because we were "separated".  We were only separated because he decided to leave not by law.

I am just ready to move forward without him.  I am actually making plans for my future. I'm still having an internal battle but I am making plans.

Not Today.....

I am very irritable today.
Its like I don't have time for people and their judgmental ways.
You may not agree with what I am doing but that doesn't give you a reason to pass judgement on me.  Who made you God? Your words or actions are not going to make me feel bad about my decision.
I don't need these type of people in my life.  I got enough to deal with.

 

My Nino



Nino

On Friday June 15, 2012 I had to put my Nino to sleep. This was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. I knew that I had to do it because I felt as if he was suffering, and I didn't want him to suffer.

My dad brought Nino home when I was 17, a senior in high school.  I will be 32 in July.  Nino had been there for every up and down.  He has been to Louisiana and Mississippi.  He was the best dog ever.  He was my source of comfort, he always listened, he was woman's best friend. 

I remember when my husband first left and I was a mess. I was just crying and crying asking myself why, and what I did wrong. Nino heard me crying and he jumped in the bed with me and comforted me.  He put his head on my thigh to let me know he was there.  He just laid there with me and we fell asleep together.

My dad always tells the story of when my mom had cancer and he came home crying, Nino was there and noticed that he was crying and he put his head on my dad's knee. My dad loves to say how Nino brought him back to life.  He provided my dad with comfort that day.

When my mom was at home recovering from the cancer, Nino was there with her everyday, looking out for her.  Well I don't know how but she says that him being there helped her out alot. 
They say that dogs can help the sick.

This dog will be missed tremendously.  I been thinking about him everyday.  I look for him because I forgets.  My 2 year old niece comes over and she always ask, " Where Nino, Aunt Vonnie? " 

My sister told me something so sweet on the day he died, she said, " Well Jo you had the pleasure of a wonderful comforter and he had a great mother."  Its so true, he was well taken care of and he lived a long and healthy life. 

May Nino R.I.P.  March 1, 1996 - June 15, 2012

Our last picture together
Nino and Jo

Abort Early

This is the error message I keep receiving.  Every time I blow into the breathalyzer in my car, that's the error.  I don't know why I am having such a problem grasping the technique.  It seems simple enough.  Wait for the machine to tell you to blow, once you began to blow the machine will beep, once the beeping flat lines blow and hum and the same time.  Why can't I get it? It sounds simple enough.  There cannot be any change in air pressure.  Not only can I not get it, but there is a camera watching me throughout my struggle.

I'm telling y'all right now this is a for real struggle.  All I want is to be able to drive.  I paid $255.00 just so the judge can tell me I can drive, for me not to be able to drive.  ARRRRGGGGHHHHH..............

I just needed somewhere to vent, I had to get this off my chest. Pray for me to get this right, I have another six months of this.  I can't be sitting around waiting on people for the next six months. 

Overwhelmed

Right about now, I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with emotions, overwhelmed with work, overwhelmed with life all together.

On Friday, June 1 I received divorce papers in the mail.  I knew that's what he wanted and I wanted to try despite everything that has happened. I just never thought that he would do it.  So here it is, the actual papers for me to sign and my gut instinct is telling me not to sign.  See what I mean by being overwhelmed with emotions.
I do not want to sign those papers. I'm signing away everything.  I don't get to tell my side in court, I don't get anything, I wouldn't even know when it was time to go to court. I can't do it.  These papers have brought back so many old feelings, good and bad. I don't know what to do. I can't even bring myself to talk to him.  I hate him for doing this.  I hate myself for doing what I did.  Am I reaping what I sowed?

This DWI stuff is never ending.  My license is suspended so I have been depending on people to take me places and that is the worst. Good thing the judge issued me an occupational license. It becomes an effective on tomorrow.  Now I just have to deal with the breathalyzer that's in my car. You have to blow to start the car and then blow every 15-30 minutes while driving the car.   I have to lease this for $80.00 a month. This will be on my car anywhere between 6 months- 1year. The County is getting so much money out of me right.  I have to pay my probation officer once a month for the next year. Thank God, I have a job because not even 9 months ago, I was jobless.  Once this is all over with I would have spent at least $4,000-$5, 000.

My life could be much worse don't get me wrong. As my mother would say, these are just my trials.  I feel so weak at times.  I pray for strength, because I need it.  I find myself praying more and more,  or just even talking to God.

I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I have to find my happy.

Violated.....

I feel totally violated. I had an appointment today to see if I qualify for the 1st time offenders DWI program today.  Let's just say I'm a little baby mini criminal.  That is exactly how they treat everybody down there at 49 San Jacinto.  I took the assessment which is basically 98 behavioral questions all related to alcohol in some type of form or fashion.  To even take the assessment you have to come up off of $202.00.  Let me say that again $202.00 just so I can take an assessment for your to assess me.  Anyway, after the 98 question on the computer I had to answer an additional 75 or so questions on paper. I went through an interview process with more questions about alcohol.  During the interview I had to take a breathalyzer, after the interview I had to take a pee test.  Here comes the violated part.  So the nurse is explaining everything to me and I'm listening so I'm like ok.  I got it, you can leave now.  But she doesn't leave she proceeds to tell me that she has to stand there and watch me, she then proceeds to tell me how I should pee.  Totally awkward and I feel totally violated.  My lawyer should know by Monday if I am a good candidate for the program. 

In other news I been doing ok.  My feelings were kind of hurt behind something, but you know that's life.  Your feelings gonna get hurt, its how you react that is the key.

DWIs Are Real.....

So, I said I will tell my story of my dreaded DWI.  Here it goes.  Its been over 2 months so hopefully, I can remember all the key details.

It started off with me wanting to go to Happy Hour at my favorite spot. I was having a good time.  I was with my sister and a friend. We just chilling.  I had lets see, 2 Kamikazes and a shot of Jose Cuervo. It wasn't a lot.  I'm thinking I was good. So I get in my car, driving to the next spot.  I get on the freeway, and we all know you have to accelerate to get on the freeway. I see the cops all around so I am watching my speed.

Next thing you know the cops are behind me.  I'm thinking to myself I will get the ticket and move on. This buster asks me to get out the car, now the whole time I'm on the phone with the soon to be ex. The officer then proceeds to ask me to do all these field sobriety test. Now I am on a 6 lane freeway and scared out of my mind.  I got these cars zooming by me and here I am standing on one leg with my hands extended out in front of me.

So, I asked the officer could we move over because I was scared, he said," are you not complying?" I said," I'm complying but I'm just scared.  Next thing you know, I am on the hood and he is handcuffing me.  I'm in the backseat of the police car and I seen him and his partner going through my car and purse. I go numb at this point, completely.  I see my car being towed away. I am literally in shock right now. He gets in the car and starts reading this DWI paperwork and I am transported to the Drunk Tank to take a breathalyzer. At this point I'm not thinking I'm arrested, I didn't hear any Miranda rights being read, I'm thinking I am just taking a breathalyzer. Of course I failed the breathalyzer. 

Once that happens, I'm calling my parents, my sisters, my soon to be ex.  I was scared and crying for anybody to get me out. Nobody can help.  So there I am in jail.

I was taken from the Drunk Tank, to the City Jail to the County Jail.  HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE. 
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  These people treat you like trash. The using the bathroom in front of others, the food, the water fountain on top of the toilet.  I couldn't do it.  I got no sleep and barely ate.  25 hours it took me to be processed and bailed out.  Now I am facing some serious consequences. 

Everytime I see someone over doing it, I'm just like DWIs are real in these streets, be careful.  You think it can't happen to you but it really can.  I never thought that it could happen to me but now I am facing a Class B Misdemeanor in Criminal Court. I'm considered a criminal now. Sucks.....

Lesson Learned....
Don't Drink and Drive....
Be Smart... Be Safe...

Emotions make you cry sometimes......

That is how I have been feeling.  My emotions are all over the place, like literally. Could it be that I haven't had a period since December? Could it be that I am dealing with all this DWI aftermath stuff? I don't know, but this shit is for the birds. Even when I make myself do something, I wish I would have stayed at home.  UGH..... how can I get over this?

In other news....

I have made up my mind to complete this program called DIVERT for 1st time DWI offenders.  (Oh, wait I haven't written about my DWI here, I will post that another day)  So while on this program, drinking is a no no.  If I drink and test positive for alcohol it is a mandatory 30 days in jail.  I couldn't do 25 hours, so I know I cannot do a full 30 days.  With that being said, I have decided to go out these last couple of weekends in April. Its like I am having a good bye party to alcohol. I won't be getting drunk, I will just be enjoying a couple of drinks.  Feel free to join me.

Not A Good Day

Fifteen years ago I agreed to be someones girlfriend. Not knowing that this high school relationship would turn into something more. My high school boyfriend became my husband. From the sound of this you would think that we lived happily ever after.

Ummm..... No. He left me on December 28, 2008 and he has never looked back. Even though we have been separated for the past 3 years or so days like today are still extremely hard.

Something gotta change.