Overwhelmed

Right about now, I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with emotions, overwhelmed with work, overwhelmed with life all together.

On Friday, June 1 I received divorce papers in the mail.  I knew that's what he wanted and I wanted to try despite everything that has happened. I just never thought that he would do it.  So here it is, the actual papers for me to sign and my gut instinct is telling me not to sign.  See what I mean by being overwhelmed with emotions.
I do not want to sign those papers. I'm signing away everything.  I don't get to tell my side in court, I don't get anything, I wouldn't even know when it was time to go to court. I can't do it.  These papers have brought back so many old feelings, good and bad. I don't know what to do. I can't even bring myself to talk to him.  I hate him for doing this.  I hate myself for doing what I did.  Am I reaping what I sowed?

This DWI stuff is never ending.  My license is suspended so I have been depending on people to take me places and that is the worst. Good thing the judge issued me an occupational license. It becomes an effective on tomorrow.  Now I just have to deal with the breathalyzer that's in my car. You have to blow to start the car and then blow every 15-30 minutes while driving the car.   I have to lease this for $80.00 a month. This will be on my car anywhere between 6 months- 1year. The County is getting so much money out of me right.  I have to pay my probation officer once a month for the next year. Thank God, I have a job because not even 9 months ago, I was jobless.  Once this is all over with I would have spent at least $4,000-$5, 000.

My life could be much worse don't get me wrong. As my mother would say, these are just my trials.  I feel so weak at times.  I pray for strength, because I need it.  I find myself praying more and more,  or just even talking to God.

I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I have to find my happy.