Happy Anniversary or Not?

Seven years ago I stood in front of a judge staring in my future husband's eyes reciting martial vows. I thought that day 09/27/2005 marked the beginning on my new life.

Well that was seven years ago and now I'm waiting on the judge to sign my divorce papers. Usually I get a phone call or text wishing me a Happy Anniversary, but not today. I'm feeling indifferent about it only because I would like to hear those words. I think...... I don't even know what I even want.   I'm actually fighting the urge to make the phone call. If I do then I seem vulnerable, & if I don't then it doesn't matter to him anyway.

I think that I just miss my friend.  My ex husband and I were friends before we were lovers. It took us at least 3 years before we even had sex.  We could talk about anything, and I miss my friend.  We can't be friends because I am nowhere near that mentally.  I just couldn't handle it right now.  Just thoughts of him and other women make me nauseous. Maybe one day we will get there but right now, no. 

The real question is when will I stop referring to 09/27 as my anniversary. Now its just another day. If anybody say that divorce is easy, they are lying.  Divorce is hard.  Starting over is hard. 

Life, What Can I Say

It has been such a long time since I last blogged.  Life has just gotten in the way.
The last time I was on here I was talking about how I didn't want to sign my divorce papers, but I did.  It was one of the hardest things that I had to do, but I can't make someone do something that they don't want to do.  It just hurts to know that the person that was suppose to be your forever is no longer your forever.  *Tear*  I'm still a little sad about it.  I just take one day at a time. 

My mom was diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer.  I know that she is going to be okay.  Anytime you have to go under and doctors have to cut you, its serious.  I am actually at the hospital right now, they just took her back to perform the surgery. 

I have been working my ass off.  I don't feel like its appreciated but I thank God for my job and my check looks nice.  I need to go on a spending diet.  My bank account is upset with me right about now.

I have been going to boot camp for like the last month or so.  I LOVE IT!!!!!! It takes all the stress away and its a nice ending to a long work day. For that one hour all of those thoughts that race through my mind on a daily is gone. 

I just gave everyone a quick update on whats been going on in my life.  Its nothing much but its my life.  Its just me taking one day at a time, trying to manage. 

Don't worry, I will be back soon.

Random Thoughts

My mind is so full of random thoughts that are constantly squirming around.  Why can't I just accept the things that I cannot.  I am constantly searching for answers, when I need to just let things be.  When will my heart and my mind agree or will they ever agree.

These are the questions/thoughts that woke me up this morning at 4:00.

•  wonder if he is off work yet?
• Why can't I let this go?
• Should I send him a text, it is his birthday.
• Jo, just sign the papers.
• It sucks being on probation.
• I so want to get in my car and go.
• I hope my probation officer/judge let me change companies
• I'm not the same person anymore.  Is that a good thing or bad thing.
• You are holding on to something that will never be. Give up...
• Don't forget to do the rebate for the contacts.

These thoughts/questions/concerns kept me up from 4:00 - 6:00 AM.  Every night its something different but I have been averaging only about 5 hours of sleep for a good minute. Which is not good. My body stays tired.

On another note which is not quite related to this topic. Well it is in a way.  I find it so interesting that people are so quick to say what they would do if they were to find themselves in a certain situation.  You can voice your opinion all you want,everyone is entitled to their own, but you don't know what you would do if  you were faced with a certain situation.  Or what about these people who try to give you advice or some type of wisdom. Ummm.... ma'am, I just told you that last week and now you trying to tell me the same thing.  You want me to listen to you say it but when I said it to you, you completely cut me off. Oh, okay.  That's how we do things now.

SMH.... I gotta go...

Birthday Weekend

Well, yesterday on July 10,  I turned 32 years old.  WOW!!!!!  I thanked God for allowing me to see another year.  I am truly thankful that I am able to wake up every morning.

I  wasn't really feeling like much of a celebration this year.  Like I wanted to do something but I couldn't think of anything to do.  My nephew told me that maybe that's a sign for me not to do anything at all.  I did  a little something though.

Before I left work on Friday a coworker was nice of enough to give me a balloon and card.  It was a nice surprise and I was full of smiles.

On Friday night, I went out with my sisters.  It was OK.  I just saw everything in a different light. We went to the place we normally go too, but usually, I am drinking like a fish and enjoy myself.  On Friday though it was different, it felt different.  I have been there before without having a drink and enjoyed myself, but the reasoning behind me not having a drink was usually because of antibiotics or I was trying to loose weight.  This time I didn't drink was because I can't drink.  Anyway the DJ was jamming and I got my dance on.  It just doesn't feel right dancing without a little alcohol in my system.  I feel like everybody watching me.  ( I know how crazy that sounds)

Me on Friday Night

On Saturday I worked in the morning and then I got to spend the rest of the day with one of my favorite people in the world.  I really enjoyed myself. We went shopping at Ikea and Target.  Then had a quick bite to eat at ChaChos.  We had a nice talk as always and the conversation got me to think about a lot of different things.

On Sunday, I did absolutely nothing.  I was such a bum.  I had plans to do stuff, but my body wouldn't allow me to do anything. 

I took Monday and Tuesday off from work.  On Monday, I did everything that I was suppose to do on Sunday.

I still haven't picked up my contacts from the eye doctor.  I also started to work on my vision board. 

Tuesday was the big day.  I had a real laid back kind of day.  I got so many birthday wishes.  :-)

My friend Tim took me to lunch at the Olive Garden.  It was soooo good.  I haven't had pasta in like forever.

Then my favorite sister (hey chick ) picked me up and we went to have dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. Two Really Good Friends were able to make it out as well.  It was cool. Lots of girl talk and laughter.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.  I was happy.



Me



I chose the Red Velvet Cheesecake as my dessert and the waiter also gave me a birthday sundae, with flowers made out of strawberries. 





Oh I almost forgot to show off what I bought myself for my bday. I had been keeping my eye on this purse from Express, and every time I went to buy it online it was sold out. I was finally able to order it on July 3 and it came on my birthday.  So Happy Birthday to me.  :-)



My Weekend

My weekend was wonderful.  Even though I am tired as hell, it was worth all of it.

On Saturday, my social group F.I.R.E. and myself fed the families at the Ronald McDonald House. It is such a good feeling to take time out and give back.  We all think that we got it bad but it could be worst.  We made the families breakfast which consisted of bacon, sausage, eggs, hashbrown casserole, biscuits, fresh fruit, muffins, orange juice,and water.  We are already planning for our return next year.

After breakfast, my friends and myself hosted a baby shower for my BFF.  It was lovely.  She was happy. The shower was such a success both parents were happy, the guests enjoyed themselves, and I was just happy to be involved.  It was a gender reveal shower so we all found out what the sex of the baby was. It is a GIRL!!!!! I could have swonrn it was a boy.  I felt in my bones, but we all wrong sometimes.   I am estactic that she is having a girl.  Another reason to go shopping.


All in all this weekend was a good one.

Pray For Me.....

All I want to do today is listen to Anthony Hamilton's soulful voice.  His songs just soothe my soul.  Here are a couple of my faves. Enjoy.

LifeClass

Yesterday while at work, I listened to a couple of Oprah's LifeClass shows.  Oprah quoted Iylana Vanzant in the show about Forgiveness. 

Iylana says, " Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can try to bandage your wound with food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or work but eventually it will stain your life and you will continue to bleed."

This quote sat with me the whole day. Have I forgiven myself for the things I have done in regards to my marriage and the lose of my job, or have I even forgiven Mister (my husband) for not trying to save our marriage?  Am I living behind my story? These are the thoughts that are invading my mind at this time.  I have prayed on it and let it go.  Oprah interviewed 50 Cents the other night and he said,"  You can either pray on it or worry about it, but you can't do both."  I am the first to admit that I would pray on it and continue to worry about it.  Now I'm just praying about it.

On another note I have yet to sign the divorce papers.  I am struggling with if I should pursue going to court to spilt his retirement account.  At this point in time I just want to be through with him. He doesn't believe that marriage is 50/50.  I tried to tell him that everything he earned I have a legal right to, but he disagrees.  If I contest the divorce and take him to court, I could waste money, what if there isn't even enough in the retirement fund to spilt.  He wouldn't learn a lesson, his feeling will never change, what he earned is his and not mine because we were "separated".  We were only separated because he decided to leave not by law.

I am just ready to move forward without him.  I am actually making plans for my future. I'm still having an internal battle but I am making plans.