Pray For Me.....

All I want to do today is listen to Anthony Hamilton's soulful voice.  His songs just soothe my soul.  Here are a couple of my faves. Enjoy.

LifeClass

Yesterday while at work, I listened to a couple of Oprah's LifeClass shows.  Oprah quoted Iylana Vanzant in the show about Forgiveness. 

Iylana says, " Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can try to bandage your wound with food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or work but eventually it will stain your life and you will continue to bleed."

This quote sat with me the whole day. Have I forgiven myself for the things I have done in regards to my marriage and the lose of my job, or have I even forgiven Mister (my husband) for not trying to save our marriage?  Am I living behind my story? These are the thoughts that are invading my mind at this time.  I have prayed on it and let it go.  Oprah interviewed 50 Cents the other night and he said,"  You can either pray on it or worry about it, but you can't do both."  I am the first to admit that I would pray on it and continue to worry about it.  Now I'm just praying about it.

On another note I have yet to sign the divorce papers.  I am struggling with if I should pursue going to court to spilt his retirement account.  At this point in time I just want to be through with him. He doesn't believe that marriage is 50/50.  I tried to tell him that everything he earned I have a legal right to, but he disagrees.  If I contest the divorce and take him to court, I could waste money, what if there isn't even enough in the retirement fund to spilt.  He wouldn't learn a lesson, his feeling will never change, what he earned is his and not mine because we were "separated".  We were only separated because he decided to leave not by law.

I am just ready to move forward without him.  I am actually making plans for my future. I'm still having an internal battle but I am making plans.

Not Today.....

I am very irritable today.
Its like I don't have time for people and their judgmental ways.
You may not agree with what I am doing but that doesn't give you a reason to pass judgement on me.  Who made you God? Your words or actions are not going to make me feel bad about my decision.
I don't need these type of people in my life.  I got enough to deal with.

 

My Nino



Nino

On Friday June 15, 2012 I had to put my Nino to sleep. This was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. I knew that I had to do it because I felt as if he was suffering, and I didn't want him to suffer.

My dad brought Nino home when I was 17, a senior in high school.  I will be 32 in July.  Nino had been there for every up and down.  He has been to Louisiana and Mississippi.  He was the best dog ever.  He was my source of comfort, he always listened, he was woman's best friend. 

I remember when my husband first left and I was a mess. I was just crying and crying asking myself why, and what I did wrong. Nino heard me crying and he jumped in the bed with me and comforted me.  He put his head on my thigh to let me know he was there.  He just laid there with me and we fell asleep together.

My dad always tells the story of when my mom had cancer and he came home crying, Nino was there and noticed that he was crying and he put his head on my dad's knee. My dad loves to say how Nino brought him back to life.  He provided my dad with comfort that day.

When my mom was at home recovering from the cancer, Nino was there with her everyday, looking out for her.  Well I don't know how but she says that him being there helped her out alot. 
They say that dogs can help the sick.

This dog will be missed tremendously.  I been thinking about him everyday.  I look for him because I forgets.  My 2 year old niece comes over and she always ask, " Where Nino, Aunt Vonnie? " 

My sister told me something so sweet on the day he died, she said, " Well Jo you had the pleasure of a wonderful comforter and he had a great mother."  Its so true, he was well taken care of and he lived a long and healthy life. 

May Nino R.I.P.  March 1, 1996 - June 15, 2012

Our last picture together
Nino and Jo

Abort Early

This is the error message I keep receiving.  Every time I blow into the breathalyzer in my car, that's the error.  I don't know why I am having such a problem grasping the technique.  It seems simple enough.  Wait for the machine to tell you to blow, once you began to blow the machine will beep, once the beeping flat lines blow and hum and the same time.  Why can't I get it? It sounds simple enough.  There cannot be any change in air pressure.  Not only can I not get it, but there is a camera watching me throughout my struggle.

I'm telling y'all right now this is a for real struggle.  All I want is to be able to drive.  I paid $255.00 just so the judge can tell me I can drive, for me not to be able to drive.  ARRRRGGGGHHHHH..............

I just needed somewhere to vent, I had to get this off my chest. Pray for me to get this right, I have another six months of this.  I can't be sitting around waiting on people for the next six months. 

Overwhelmed

Right about now, I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with emotions, overwhelmed with work, overwhelmed with life all together.

On Friday, June 1 I received divorce papers in the mail.  I knew that's what he wanted and I wanted to try despite everything that has happened. I just never thought that he would do it.  So here it is, the actual papers for me to sign and my gut instinct is telling me not to sign.  See what I mean by being overwhelmed with emotions.
I do not want to sign those papers. I'm signing away everything.  I don't get to tell my side in court, I don't get anything, I wouldn't even know when it was time to go to court. I can't do it.  These papers have brought back so many old feelings, good and bad. I don't know what to do. I can't even bring myself to talk to him.  I hate him for doing this.  I hate myself for doing what I did.  Am I reaping what I sowed?

This DWI stuff is never ending.  My license is suspended so I have been depending on people to take me places and that is the worst. Good thing the judge issued me an occupational license. It becomes an effective on tomorrow.  Now I just have to deal with the breathalyzer that's in my car. You have to blow to start the car and then blow every 15-30 minutes while driving the car.   I have to lease this for $80.00 a month. This will be on my car anywhere between 6 months- 1year. The County is getting so much money out of me right.  I have to pay my probation officer once a month for the next year. Thank God, I have a job because not even 9 months ago, I was jobless.  Once this is all over with I would have spent at least $4,000-$5, 000.

My life could be much worse don't get me wrong. As my mother would say, these are just my trials.  I feel so weak at times.  I pray for strength, because I need it.  I find myself praying more and more,  or just even talking to God.

I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I have to find my happy.